OK I’ll come right out with it, and didn’t mention the U word in the title for fear of shock horror and averted glances.

I’m talking about urinals. For ladies and those of a nervous disposition turn away now or read through splayed fingers. I cannot stand the things, they are designed to allow men, and boys depending on the height to pee in public toilets without using a WC. Obviously ladies have no choice, they have to sit down to relieve nature, unless they use one of those ladies tube things, but 99.9% of ladies do sit down. Men however have a choice, and given that choice I would rather use a WC to pee, and not a urinal. Let me explain why; when a lady has finished her ‘number 1s’ she wipes the area with a tissue. Generally men do not, preferring the ‘shake’ method which is at best totally inefficient, and in the worse case, not only showers your person with unwanted liquids, but could also contaminate bystanders. And there is no privacy in a men’s toilet with urinals, as you separated by a porcelain screen at best or fresh air. In addition, urinals are not the most fragrant of places to be, and if a fag end or used chewing gum has been dropped in it, is likely to block up with the resultant pool remaining. Now, I’m no prude but I don’t actually relish standing next to a complete stranger and peeing on demand. In fact I often have to pretend I’ve done ‘something’, zip up and walk out, to walk back in seconds later and find relief in a WC. I can’t do it in public. I’m a former rugby player and have been in many situations where one ‘bares all’ in front of fellow players, but I still can’t pee into a urinal. I’ve tried everything; relaxing, thinking about something else, not looking (that’s bound to fail), but nothing works until I’m in complete privacy. The main reason is though, is that in later years, men dribble. Now I know this is not a medical condition or anything to worry about, because ALL men must dribble a bit because the aforementioned shake method doesn’t get rid of all liquid, and any residue is therefore absorbed by pants or in the case of commando wear, trousers. This can lead to a number of problems, including soreness, smell and I hate to say it, rot. Urine has a tendency to rot clothes if not washed. So although men wouldn’t admit they dribble, they do and that’s that.

So to conclude, if you see me in a public toilet and wonder whether I’m going into a cubicle for ‘No 2’, the probability is that its a No 1 I’m doing, blissfully, in private, without other prying eyes, and which also allows me to do that thing that ladies do naturally and I could never, NEVER do in a row of urinals and that is wipe the drips with a toilet tissue to keep me as clean as can be. Viva the closet!