TC’s Three Hander
by
Clive Handy
Besuited man seated at desk DS Centre at 45 degrees with laptop on it. Two empty chairs opposite the desk.
(Several knocks on door offstage)
1. Come in (more knocks)
(louder) Come in! (more knocks)
(Shouting) COME IN!
No 2 enters (he looks around nervously. He’s dressed in an ill-fitting jacket and very creased trousers. He walks toward the desk)
1. Please sit down, Smith isn’t it?
2. Where?
1. Err, in that seat there (indicates chair nearest him) Mutters under breath:Got a right one ’ere
2. Thanks, didn’t want to presume.
1. Right, so you’re here for the position we advertised internally?
2. Sorry no, I applied in the admin office on the 2nd floor.
1. (Resignedly) Right. How long have you been here?
2. Oh since 8.00am
1. I meant employed by the company?
2. Oh since 2009
1. Right and how do you like it here?
2. I’ve enjoyed working here, the people are nice.
1. What makes you think you are a suitable candidate for this position?
2. Oh, I’m keen, punctual and a good listener.
1. Hmm good, but what about education?
2. Oh I firmly believe in education yes.
1. Hmm, what about your own?
2. Well, the usual.
1. Degree?
2. Err, quite high
1. I meant do you have a degree from a university?
2. Oh yes
1. Which one?
2. Which one what?
1. Which degree, which university?
2. Oh yes, golf management, University of St Austell
1. I didn’t know St Austell had a university
2. Don’t they? I’ll be damned.
1. You made that up
2. Made what up?
1. About having a degree
2. Well Ok I did.
1. OK, we’ll leave that for a moment. So this job involves a lot of interaction with all departments in the company. You’ll need to be able to interface with all sorts of people at all levels of seniority. What makes you think you have the necessary intellectual background for this post?
2. Oh I’m good at talking to all sorts of people especially in my immediate circle. Actually I’m considered quite a chatterbox by some.
1. I see, have you any evidence of this interaction? For example any work you have done within the company to which I can get references from your colleagues?
2. Well I…. (There is a sudden knock on the door, quite loud)
1. Come in
3. Hello, I’ve come for the interview… sorry didn’t know someone was already here. Oh it’s you.
1. That’s alright, our friend here was just leaving (looking at No 2)
2. Why do I have to leave and not him?
1. Because you are totally stupid, have no social graces, are intellectually moribund and total unqualified for this or any other job for that matter.
3. Listen my friend, I don’t know who you think you are, but you shouldn’t talk to him like that. I think it’s pretty rum that you can interview someone with that attitude.
2. Yes, that’s quite rude.
1. (to No 3) I see, and you are eminently qualified to be able to tell me how to conduct interviews for this job?
3. In a manner of speaking, yes. I worked in an employment office for some years and interviewed people all the time.
1. We have an employment office here.
3. I’m aware of that, because it’s where I worked.
1. Oh, that would explain that attitude.
3. What attitude?
1. That you can walk in here as if you and Smith here owned the place and tell me how to do my job.
3. (Very soto voce under his breath) Actually we do.
1. What was that?
3. Oh of course we don’t whatever makes you think that?
1. Nothing, I thought I heard you say you DO own it. Anyway (To No 3): Would you like the job, anyone’s better than this clown.
3. You can’t call him a clown. Well, yes I’d love it thanks, but you can’t offer me the job (No 3 looks satisfied that he has turned things around)
1. And why not?
3. Because I’m not qualified
1. And you’re not qualified because…..
3. (pointing at No 2) He’s the chairman’s eldest son and his father has promised him this job. If you want to keep your job, you’d better give him this one.
1. Think I’ll go and kill myself.
3. Well brother that worked didn’t it?
Curtain.
Regards
Clive R Handy
clivehandy
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